What to do when your libidos don t match

Added: Bucky Carmody - Date: 14.10.2021 11:30 - Views: 48053 - Clicks: 3596

Sex can be hard to talk about. We seem to live in a paradoxical society where sexual imagery and connotation is ever-present and pervasive, and yet for many of us there is also a sense of discomfort, embarrassment, and even shame around this topic. This can start from an early age due to experiences growing up for example, if sex was treated as a taboo topicor develop later in life, once we start engaging in sexual interactions.

Many, if not most, of the couples that I see have some issue with their sex life. It many cases, it becomes obvious fairly quickly that the core issue is not to do with sex, per se, but more to do with their emotional connection. If a partner feels disconnected from, hurt by, resentment towards, etc. Do you feel connected with your partner? How about respected, supported, and appreciated by them? If the latter is true, have there been any life changes for the two of you recently e. Have you or your partner been under increased stress? Are either of you feeling self-conscious about a change in your body e.

Have you lost interest in sex in general, or is it specific to sex with your partner? These questions are important to ask yourselves, and each other, to begin clarifying the issues in your sex life. However, it can also be the case that two people have a genuine difference in their interest in sex that is largely unrelated to the quality of the relationship. This can be a tricky topic to navigate, and without intervention it can be very detrimental to the relationship. So what can you do? One of the most effective ways of working on this would likely be with What to do when your libidos don t match couples therapist who has some training in sex therapy.

However, here are some things to think about and strategies to try at home:. However, if this discrepancy persists over time, it can start to cause problems, such as dissatisfaction, hurt feelings, and resentment. Seth Meyers here. Basically, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate yourself in terms of sexuality and interest in sex? How does your partner rate themselves? It may be worth noting here that while stereotypically we might assume that the man in a heterosexual couple would always have the higherthis is not the case; in many instances, it is the woman who is initiating more, and the man who has less interest in sex.

This is in part due to the culture that we live in, as there tends to be an implicit assumption that you should want to have sex often whatever that meansor there is something wrong with you. And sometimes, there might be something going on, medically or psychologically, that is lowering your sex drive and addressing this might be warranted. But do your best to not subscribe to the mentality that a higher sex drive is necessarily a healthier sex drive.

In doing this, you can also try to introduce some empathy for each other; meaning, imagine how it might feel to be the other What to do when your libidos don t match in the relationship. This can lay the groundwork for more compassion, honesty, and ultimately problem-solving. But the fact is, what makes sex enjoyable between two people is often way more to do with intimacy than it is to do with physical gratification. As Dr. This might mean cuddling, massages, showering together, etc. In addition to considering the frequency of sex with your partner, it is worth thinking about how enjoyable you find your sexual interactions.

Reflect on the typical, recent sexual interactions with your partner: Did you enjoy the positions? The time of day? Was there any discomfort or pain? Would you have liked the duration to be longer or shorter? Did you feel present, or rushed or distracted? Were there fantasies or turn-ons that were incorporated into the experience? Talking openly and candidly about likes, dislikes, preferences, boundaries, etc. It can also lead to revelatory conversations, which can add some interest and novelty to your sex life. In my experience, scheduling sex tends to be a controversial issue.

As discussed earlier, this is largely contributed to by what we see in fictionalized relationships: two people locking eyes, and suddenly in perfect unison they fall into what appears to be the most satisfying sex of their lives. There may have also been some anticipation or excitement about the prospect of being intimate, which probably influenced how you behaved towards each other, and this probably enhanced the experience.

So, was the sex really as spontaneous as it seemed? And best of all, it can help in avoiding the cycle of hurt, guilt, and resentment that can often develop for couples with mismatched libidos. Ultimately, the best way to approach any issue in your relationship, mismatched libidos included, is to do so in an open, honest, empathetic way, that will give both of you a chance to feel heard, understood, and validated.

If you are struggling to have this conversation with your partner, couples therapy may be a good avenue to explore. There can be some distinctions between these terms, particularly in sex therapy research and practice, however discussing these differences is beyond the scope of this article. Rinkleib Ellison, C. Sexual Choreography. Kleinplatz Ed. New York, NY: Routledge. Twitter Linkedin Youtube Wordpress. However, here are some things to think about and strategies to try at home: 1.

Quantity vs. References and links Rinkleib Ellison, C. Katherine Wilson. Katherine Wilson is a Halifax Psychologist Cand. Katherine also has a particular research interest in how mental health can impact social, familial, and romantic relationships. Latest posts by Katherine Wilson see all. Posted in blog and tagged libidomismatched libidossexsex therapist.

What to do when your libidos don t match

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What if my sex drive doesn't match my partner's?